New beginnings
If I was to tell you everything that has been happening to me lately you wouldn’t believe it. Most of it I probably won’t share here, but I figured, after some debate with myself and a chat with the Young Wan, to share one monumental thing that has taken place. After all this blog has been described by me as ‘the times and perils of a single parent’, a statement I wrote on the very first night and this post, however it comes out, is so ingrained in that.
In the depths of the blog I have written about bringing up herself on my own, her father has not been in the picture for many years, 13 to be exact. While I could blog at length about it I won’t and will just say the scenario where her father would not be in her life was not something I ever wanted, to the point where I bent over backwards to help him in his fatherhood. So bringing up my daughter on my own was how it was. I kept up her relationship with his family and while it was hard to explain to her for the first number of years, actually saying it was hard is like saying giving birth is relatively easy, as time went by, she stopped asking about him. We would still talk about him occasionally and I never badmouthed him. During that time we learned he had a son, something the Young Wan found incredibly hard to deal with, there was nothing she would have loved more than to have a sibling. (This is an amazingly breezed over version of that time but you understand.)
Anyway that brings us up to recently. Over the last while she has talked sometimes about contacting him. And I will admit to not over enthusiastic about it, how could I. It seemed to me that he needed to take the lead in that, he needed to pull himself up to the father table and it never happened. What if it was a letdown, if she was let down, hurt again. And, let me be perfectly clear about it before I go on, while I always thought you just cannot come back into a child’s life after not being there for so many years; I was always very clear with her that it was not up to me, it is her father, not mine, and whatever she wants is up to her.
So this was hanging about for a while and before the summer, we were on Facebook (where bloody else) and through the Young Wan’s aunt, we saw him. And she added him which started off a chain of events that has led to herself meeting her father in recent weeks. It was a very tense, nervous event and it went well. So he went home and told his son about her, he’s nine years old and had no idea he had an older sister and he was very thrilled.
The next weekend they all met at granny’s and awkwardness aside things went brilliantly. Both the Young Wan and her brother are delighted to have met each other, to have each other; I actually got choked up reading one of her texts from over the weekend about him. I suppose that angered me a little too, with all the things that have gone on and people hurt – there was also a sister and brother who were denied each other. One thing I am completely sure about is that the two of them will be fine, it seems they are in awe and I am thankful and delighted for that.
One thing that bothers me is that while I realise there’s a certain amount of cotton-woolling when it comes to him, as (and I am stressing this) it should be, but I can’t help but wonder about the fact this was never offered to herself, at all. How and ever, I intend to have my say about this with him. I have allowed things to be organised with me in the background. But at the end of the day, she’s 17, she’s my baby and while a young woman, she is still very young and not equipped to deal with this on her own. So I need to step in now. When we do talk there won’t be a row, but I do need to offload some of what I have had to deal with over these years, how I had to break her heart because of things beyond my control (how angry at him that made me), how we’ve struggled, – I suppose I need some justice in this.
On one level I got to watch my/our (God it sounds mad to say something like that again after all this time) daughter grow up into a young woman. I saw her personality grow and grow with her, I saw all her landmarks, I can read her like a book, I know all her tricks, her foibles, her likes, dislikes, I know what she’ll get a kick out of and even if she doesn’t give me the credit I know what clothes she likes; and much, much more. And she me.
There isn’t a justice in knowing that; there is a poignancy in that he missed so much but I am her mother and I would kill people to get to her. (If that is ever used in a court of law against me, I am figuratively speaking 
) I am also incredibly sad that she didn’t grow up with her father or indeed grow with her brother.
But as I said I will have my say and we will move onwards to some new stage, God knows how it will go, though I am more than optimistic this is a step forward and it is good.
September 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Thanks for posting, you’ve obviously done a fantastic job with her
September 15th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
When my wife and I divorced i moved away. She remarried and then she moved away. I had lost contact with my son, for a whole eight unbearable years, there were lots of other reasons. But we are now back in contact with each other again. It happened at my father’s funeral in July. I turned around and he was just there beside me, this small 13 year old boy, his heart breaking and eyes filled with emotion. We hugged for what seemed like an age.
I have only one regret in my life, a life that should have many regrets, but I have only one and it is missing out on those eight years. But we cant turn back time. So I have been given a new chance to make new memories with my son. I move with caution and I move with the very clear understanding that it’s not about me, it’s not about my ex or her new family, it’s about that one child that connects us all together. It’s about what he wants, nothing more and nothing less.
We have met since the funeral and have spent time getting to know each other…..I may have lost both my parents this year but I have gained a son……life is odd. Regret is for the birds and life is for living, it’s the here and now that matters……I am determined not to miss any more of his life, if he wants me in it that is……
September 15th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Great post [Redmum], I hope it all works out.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Fabulous post, RedMum. One of the reasons blogging’s so powerful is that it allows us to connect to real people and real stories. Your honesty here was deeply moving, as is my mate Manuel’s comment.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:23 am
It’s my own stupid fault for reading blogs so late at night. Isn’t real life so complicated, and so very emotional. Red Mum and Manuel – your honesty and your respective stories are uplifting – even if I do head to bed with tears welling up (and spilling out). Bless you.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:43 am
All your true feelings put down so poignantly. A remarkable account from a remarkable woman ….. and daughter xxxa
September 16th, 2009 at 2:10 am
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:13 am
I brought up my three kids on my own too. Their dad just wasn’t interested in seeing them. He could bleat on to all and sundry about how I never let him see the kids but his family still saw them and we lived in the same house for the next 8 years – no excuse for him saying he didn’t know where we lived!!!!
Whenever the child support agency would contact him, he would simply mail the envelope back “not known at this address”. So I struggled, but I managed. I had to!
When I moved to the US to marry my husband, the court actually had the gall to say that his needed his permission to take the kids! I didn’t get it, and when my husband adopted the kids, he didn’t even respond to the court papers being sent to him……
Cut to ten years later, when the kids went to the UK for a vacation, he ‘accidentally’ bumped into them – didn’t introduce himself – and then had the gall to say “You did a great job bringing them up!” Like I had a choice?
Anyway, to not go on and on and on……. he said he would keep in touch with them. That was my one stipulation. He has a family now that were introduced to my kids which again, makes the situation become more involved for more than just the three of mine. Bear in mind we live over 5,000 miles away from him so he has it fairly easy, the odd phone call or letter……. He didn’t. He didn’t call. He didn’t write. He didn’t do anything. When we went back to the UK last year, the kids specifically asked their grandad to tell their dad NOT to come see them.
As the parent who brought them up, the whole thing has been agony and upsetting and so stressful it’s ridiculous. However, like your situation, they are old enough to try and make their own way but have me to fall back on when the path that they are taking has too many turns to know which one to take…..
I hope everything works out for you. I really really do and I will be thinking of you both……
September 16th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Hello, I think you are right to let her forge ahead in this. You can always keep an eye on her from the sidelines! What a nice mammy you are.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Well done redmum. You are incredibly emotionally articulate and amazingly strong – what a lucky daughter you have.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Thanks everyone for commenting, I do appreciate you taking the time to read the post and comment.
@Manuel your comment got me seriously choked up. Don’t know what to say other than I am glad you have told us about your experience, both sides and all that. I wish you all the very best with it but judging from what you say this is a new beginning for you two also.
@Sweary Couldn’t agree more about connecting, its very important. Other people’s stories have given me different perspectives on so many things in my life.
@Alan in Belfast thanks, that means a lot.
@Andrea god you and your children been through so much. I pretty much did the same where the minimalist of effort on his part would have been enough but I suppose other things were affecting his decisions. I always wondered if he would get back in contact and whether or not so much time had past that herself would entertain it. But overall it feels good and she is happy with it so its positive. Thanks for the comment, and you’ve done a great job, you should be proud.
@Katherine I am going to step in now to some degree but its all down to herself and what she wants.
@Fiona I’ve had enough time to think about it, at length :0 And without sounding fauning or whatever I am very lucky to have her as my daughter – how she is handling this is an eye-opener for me (not that I didn’t know how wonderful she is, this is just another qualification of that.)
Thanks again everyone.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I have a 13yr old daughter & I can’t imagine not seeing her every day never mind years of absence.
That reminds me……….buy shotgun for gentleman callers!
September 17th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Much as I know you’re finding this hard I think you are doing the right thing. My relationship with thee father or my eldest daughter floundered before she was born. His parents insisted that he maintained contact which he did initially but over time when he met someone else, married his interest waned. It’s very hard not to be bitter about being left and struggling to bring up a child on my own, but like you I tried to be as positive as I could about him. My daughter is now almost twenty and hasn’t seen her biological father for over a year…the time prior to that was after a four year gap. Maturity has meant that she now sees him for what he is so there has been no need for me elucidate further. From what I see of your postings your daughter is a very balanced and lucky girl and is now of an age where she will be able to deal with this no matter what the outcome. I hope all goes well for you both
September 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Woah, what a post
You are totally doing the right thing. I met my father after 14-odd years of little or not contact and it was like a big weight being lifted from my shoulders. Seeing him – a human, flawed person – was actually a relief. For years I thought I had been missing out on something, and seeing him was a reminder that, actually, I was doing okay. Having watched my mum scrimp. save and struggle, there was still a lot of latent resentment there, but it was wonderful to meet on of my step siblings (there are three). Well done for being so supportive and strong, young wan will reallly appreciate that.
Wonderful, honest, touch post. x
September 21st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@AnFearBui – you mean you don’t have a shotgun already
@MrsMundane – I think it will work out, it will take a while.
@nathalie Herself is sooo happy about knowing her little brother, and for that I am very happy.
Thanks everyone for the comments and the stories.
September 21st, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Whoa – probably the best blog post all year.
Words are probably quite inadequate for this but here goes;
An opinion, not that it actually means anything in particular, but I think you are being incredibly the best mom that you can be and that could possibly be expected of a mom. That’s all. Simple as.
Hope that sounded as it was intended.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Redmum – others have already said it but wow, what a post. Honest and heartfelt and moving and real. I think you have approached it just right – and you’ve clearly done a fantastic job of bringing up your daughter with the emotional intelligence to cope with all of this. The freedom to let her explore these new relationships is a wonderful gift to give her – as of course is the certain knowledge that you’re right there behind her, every step of the way. I hope it all continues to go well
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Thanks for sharing such an emotional story. Being the child of a divorced marriage, I was always fortunate enough to know both my parents and follow the lives of my half brothers. Your blog was so moving, and I could appreciate the emotions involved, but also I feel guilty in being thankful that my siblings and my parents never had to contemplate those same emotions.
You’ve done well, and I wish it all goes well for all of you.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Fair play to you for a very frank post, Redmum! I and a lot of your readers [I see] can relate in some way. I’m drawn to your point about being equipped at 17 to deal with such things. I believe many young wans or fellas of any age often discover things about themselves or their family that never featured in their childhood. It could be anything – but I believe them/we [ we were them too] learn to deal with them. Maketh the person. Sure it’s what we do. Sadly, I believe Irish families didn’t talk about shit as much as they should have. But that’s a different debate. Parenthood is something else – no matter when or how it takes flight and works. Good wishes.
September 27th, 2009 at 3:44 am
xx no better women
September 29th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Well done you! For the job you have done raising your daughter and remaining her friend, and for letting her go forward with this.
Some absent fathers just cannot bear to see the reproach in their children’s eyes – particularly if they have left the reunion too long.
My ex-husband was like that – he would call me every day but not the children – he never did sort it out and sadly, he died without knowing what wonderful people those youngsters had grown into.
I hope it all goes well for you.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:39 pm
You are an inspirational person Redmum!